While I lay by the pool and observed the 150+Kilo Russian men in their Speedo bathing suits.. with their hot slim girl friends.. I had the thought.. MONEY does talk.. LOL.. by the way there were some 120+Kilo Russian women there in their bikinis.. I could not stay at the pool too long.. the sights were tooooooo laughable..

However about 1 KM down the road toward the city I found a great local Thai restaurant.. huge.. 100+ table.. great food, excellent service...Famous for its Papaya salads and sticky rice.

Also the Northern area seems to be the home for the German community.. many German hang outs.. NOT English on the menu.. only German and Thai..

Also another observation.. why do over weight tourists insist on walking down the street with their shirts off and their ugly fat bodies flapping in the breeze.. I am not a slim person.. 95 Kilo.. but I would not think of taking my shirt off and walking around in public with my stomach hanging out!

Well on to the Bars and the food.

I made it a point to go the Nee Roys as your site said it had good Indian food.. Well it was a costly trip via Baht bus.. but I though the food would be worth while.. But sorry to say.. the food did not live up to my expectations.. In fact it was in MY opinion poor.. the people were nice.. the price for the beer was OK.. but the food was poor quality.. had their Chicken dish.. poor.. had their curry potatoes.. poor.. they did not even have Lentils.. the mainstay of a good Indian meal.. Nan bread.. OK.. but nothing special..

Tropical Bert's.. nice place.. food typical Brit style.. beer a bit pricy for there but oh well a few guys sitting around and drinking beer.. clean.. nice people.. friendly.. food OK.. had dinner.. so do not know about the Breakfasts.. but good quality and quantity.

Found an interesting place on 2nd street.. just an eatery.. Fatties.. nice folks.. good food quality and quantity.. good price.. across from Big C mall.. so you can enjoy the live music from the beer garden across the street and just sit back and watch the maddening crowd.

I am not the kind of person that likes to go to a bar and have some one hassle me for a drink.. I just like to drink alone.. or go to a bar with a single purpose.. Sex.. so I avoided the beer bars which in fact were VERY empty.. where have all the tourists gone?? or is it slow season.. I in fact found it refreshing to go to a short time bar and have the pick of the litter shall we say :) very few people on Soi 6, which I made my place to have some physical enjoyment.. I did however wander down walking street as I had commissioned a local artist to do a piece, so I needed to pick it up..lots of people walking.. but the bars were if fact empty..

Now for the Bars that I found interesting and enjoyable or not as the case may be.
The first stop was Route 69.. had a few girls at the front door that interested me.. went in.. a bit dark as are ALL the bars.. a nice girl followed.. however not to my taste.. I asked for another girl.. again not to my taste.. NOW these girls were attractive and friendly.. but I have my own taste in women.. finally got a nice girl.. ALL of the girls NEVER ask me to buy them a drink.. after a few minutes.. went upstairs for a roll in the hay as they say.. price was right.. 300 + 500.. no hassle.. rooms are bit on the old side and shower is as well.. but I was there for an afternoon of fun.. not to live there.. In fact returned there a few times for other girls.. all were friendly, no hassle and good in bed

Next place was King Kong Bar.. DID NOT even go inside.. there were about 6-7 girls sitting outside.. they were in my opinion Old and ugly.. and did not enough have a smile to the passing people.. maybe because the bar is for sale may have something to do with this?

Next place Sexy Soi Six.. terrible.. had some nice girls to greet.. never came in.. finally after drinking half my beer and young lady came in, sat down and proceed to tell me how ill she was.. well that ended that¡­ finished my beer never to return.

My Friend You Bar. As I was making a quick stroll up or down Soi 6, what ever your perspective may be, I walked by this bar. I glanced over and an attractive young lady who was sitting on a motor bike glanced my way.. and smiled.. I returned the smile.. she then said.. come in and I will lick your balls.. NOW who in their right mind could refuse an offer like that..So I went in.. will we sit down on a sofa.. I get a beer.. she sits down.. unzips my pants and proceeds to use her talented mouth on my lower body.. then after a few minutes she says.. shall we go upstairs?? Who could refuse? 300 + 500.. 75 for beer.. rooms fair.. shower poor.. but great talent.. returned a few times.. if this girl had more than 3 holes she would want you to fill them all.. she used her talented tongue to the utmost.. in fact.. she was one of my repeaters.

Roxy Club Had some interesting ladies at the front door. Asked one in.. bought myself a beer.. she was groping around .. so I said how much.. 500 bar + 1000.. well I proceed to drink the beer and leave.. a real joke..

Bus Stop Bar. Had some interesting ladies standing outside. So went in.. Dark, but booths OK.. found an interesting lady.. 300 + 500.. no hassle.. rooms a bit on the old side.. but its sex.. not a place to sleep.

Lick Bar Interest array of women outside. Went in.. had  my choice of ladies.. had a beer.. found a nice one.. 300+500.. She was a 3 holer.. interesting afternoon to say the least.. good way to work off those extra kilos that I am sure I gained from drinking all the beer..

As I said before the streets were empty of foreigners.. there were more Lady boys on the street than tourists LOL..but maybe the slow season. It seems that the over all quality of the women, at least by physical standards, was quite low. VERY few attractive women working.. NOW I found what I was looking for, but many of the tourists may find the ladies unattractive My requirements as is everyone else's is a personal choice.. however as for pure physical beauty, face and body, I saw very few attractive women, in fact the Lady Boys in may cases were more attractive.. no they are not my cup of tea!

From a Thai Anxiety reader

Secrets is a hostess bar and hotel located just off Walking Street on Soi 14 (Overlooking Angelwitch). They are holding an official opening party on September 1st

See Pattaya Chat
See Pattaya Secrets

As the countdown to the opening of the much-hyped Secrets bar/hotel/restaurant ticks down to September 1st, the invective being hurled by its backers and critics on the Internet seems to escalate daily.

Ground Zero for the mud-slinging is on Pattaya Chat, a discussion board started by separatists from Pattaya Secrets, the discussion board operated by the Secrets hotel owners. The original affronts any of the involved individuals suffered during many nights of drinking and carousing in the real world are ancient history, but the bitterness they harbor gets rehashed daily in the virtual world.

In this cyberwar, the Chat mob is undoubtedly the most public in its hostility. The board’s founder and other like-minded admins regularly launch attack threads against Secrets, its backers and anyone who they suspect of collaborating with the enemy, using slanderous adjectives and per se libelous accusations. Anyone expressing views counter to the moderators’ is quickly labeled a troll, spy or worse.

Pattaya Secrets’ bosses are more discreet in their attacks, locking up diatribes and accusations on an ultra-exclusive Level 3 section of the board. Those found leaking info posted on Level 3 are banished to lower levels and threads critical of Chat are quickly locked down and the posters often banned and posts are regularly deleted.

A more-rational personal might wonder why anyone would get so worked up over a website. But the hardcore posters on both boards just can’t let it lie. Both sides report having received multiple death threats, but the obsession exhibited by Chatters is truly bewildering, since the site is (supposedly) just for fun, not profit. The Secrets gang might be forgiven for taking things more seriously, as their website is used to promote the new bar and hotel.

Words are a powerful weapon and one that gives power to too many of the religious fanatics, hate mongers, perverts, UFO believers, conspiracy theorists that run rampant on the Internet. Perhaps its time both sides in the Pattaya chat wars should keep that in mind.

Surely this is 'art'.

Spotted by Sa-teef on Pattaya Secrets. A welcome new aircon bar on Soi 8.

One to rival the previous champion bar sign in  Soi LK Metro: Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear

From jj

I was enjoying the afternoon company of 3 hostesses in a short time bar recently, when a farang walked through the front door. As he strode purposefully through the bar, one of the three attached herself to his hip like a magnet. With no words being spoken, no pleasantries exchanged, they marched up the stairs.

About 20 minutes later, she detached herself from his hip as he retraced his path out the door, no words spoken. She flopped back into the seat she had vacated and announced that he had simply stopped by for "his usual".

Talk about a regular customer!

Then at some key witching hour the staff transformed into witches and vampires. The trigger seemed to be a bill popped into my bin showing 3 lady drinks rather than the one that I had ordered. Now there was no suggestion that there was anything untoward going on, just a mistake due to overstretched staff on a very busy opening night. But the resolution degenerated into a slanging match. The service girl was shouting to all in the vicinity trying to find the actual recipient of the drinks. The Mamasang seemed to suggest that the losses would be born by the service girl if the drinks weren't allocated to the appropriate bin. This hardly helped. The owner and/or manager was called to little avail.

Anyway, the anger wasn't directed at me and my share of the bill was accepted. I was more than happy to escape the vampire lair back into the metaphorical daylight sweeping into Soi Diamond.

Great bar though, they have done wonders, they just need to exorcise a few gremlins.

By Swanks

I spent a most amusing (for my mates) songkran day outside Pukky's Bar on Thappraya Road in Jomtien. It was a situation that could only happen in Pattaya With its expat lifestyle. I promise this is true and I haven't made it up.

I had been dragged down to Jomtien by my long suffering Mia and her visiting family and, despite my pleas and protests, ended up drinking at Pukky's Bar. The girl who I have "Known" for at least 2 years on a fairly regular basis was sat behind us but lucky for me, was deep in conversation with another falang.

My silent promises to free birds, light candles and burn incense seemed to have worked and a family impromptu lynching party avoided, or so I thought...

Then I happened to glance at the restaurant next door, to be greeted by a Thai version of "coo-ee" by my El Coyote Bar Sunday girl and a giggle of her co-ceiling fan inspectors.

Quickly looking the other way I attempted the back hand "shoo" that John Cleese does so well. A surreptitious glance over my shoulder was only greeted by more animation and noise from next door. "They're bloody drunk" I fumed, for the moment forgetting that so was everyone else, including me, within a 20 mile radius.

Not wishing to encourage them (I really wanted to strangle them) , I turned my Back and engaged a very large brother in law who doesn't speak English in a conversation about economics.

"You, You, you not remember me?"
No, no, please, I'll become a monk if that will help.!
I bit the bullet and turned.
"I girlfriend your friend Mike"

I wanted to give her babies, buy her a house and a new Mercedes. The little minx knew exactly what she was doing and had no intention of dropping me in it! She and her coven were just enjoying a bit of bar girl revenge for the mick take humor the lads and myself put them through!

I still wake up screaming though!

Last night Heavens Above was absolutely stuffed with beautiful women, from the ‘staff’ to the dancers to the showgirls, all at least 8-9’s. My favourite waitress appeared to be ‘sick’ that day, just as well as I hadn’t called her, more on that later, but every girl in there seemed to want to be my friend, such a vivid contrast from Coyotee’s, maybe it’s because they know me better and know I am a sucker for a sweet smile and hot body when it comes to lady drinks, or maybe they just really have a better attitude. My favourite ‘Office Girls’ routine was back, and the girls really seem to get stuck in to the lesbian shows. The only downside of the place is because it is so cosy, it seems to have become more popular and was full of younger, more handsome guys than myself, but the women stunning, simply stunning!

Newbie Verdict: A struggle to get up the stairs, but perhaps a good move as maybe it discourages some of the more unsavory tourists from visiting the place. The beauty on show here made me forget that supposedly blondes have more fun, and perhaps this was a turning point in my appraisal of Thailand and Thai women generally, my friend says ‘Once you’ve been Asian you never go back Caucasian’ and now I can see why!
 

Another night now and into Champagne A-GoGo in Soi LK Metro, as you know I have been a little harsh in this place previously, so I was pleasantly surprised this time, the standard of girls seemed higher, I was joined by a very pleasant 20 year old from Korat, 49 kilos, which is a little over my best fighting weight, but she was tall so she actually was slim on 49 kilos, of course it was her first day working there, yeah right darling, and I’m Prince Charming about to take you away from all this and we can live happily ever after! There were a couple of shows, one where leather clad lovelies whip each other up into a frenzy which they seemed to relish, and a body painting show which seemed overly long and fairly pointless, one of the ‘big girls’ on stage in the show the artist guy could practically have used a roller instead of a brush to save us all time! There are still a couple of overly large ladies dancing as well which puts at least me off, but praise where praise is due, the club is heading in the right direction again, bottled beer at 85 baht and lady drink fizzy pop crap at 90 baht, and the check bin vouchers are printed out in huge numerals for the benefit of us that require reading glasses to find the bin total in some bars, another brownie pint to the management.

Newbie Verdict: Impressive, I liked the fact that there were all shapes and sizes of Thai female pulchritude on display; I am partial to a ‘sturdy birdy’ myself, unlike materialsman, although maybe that will change over the course of a fortnight.

Beach Club is first up for a visit on yet another night, personally I find the place overcrowded and a little in your face for my own tastes, on this occasion there was nothing dancing on the podiums that took my fancy, however, and this has always been true, the hostesses in the place can turn your head, and sure enough it wasn’t long before a couple of good looking ones approached us. Frankly the one that came up to me was a honey, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I am loyal, and the fact that it was the first port of call of the evening, I would have been more than happy to have her accompany me to wherever she wanted to go, providing of course I could have unwrapped her later in the comfort of my own lair. Several lady drinks on however, it was time to move on.

Newbie Verdict: Yeah, I have to agree, the hostesses are good looking, well dressed and good fun company, added to my list on that strength alone.

Next up was Happy A-GoGo, always a model of consistency, or so I thought until this trip, we walked in and the club was packed as usual, in fact so packed that we were ushered into the new wing well away from the main stage. Well, for me a pretty frustrating visit, the new wing seemed to me to have a sort of second string feel to it, and I spent a frustrating twenty minutes drinking up my beer, watching only what I would say was a pleasant array of ladies, while just 15 yards away the full line up of cavorting young honey’s was out of my eyes reach. Still a great club, just be careful where you sit, as the main stage is the only place to be!

Newbie Verdict: I was ‘happy’ enough, no pun intended, with the ladies in the area we were sat in, maybe I am just not as fussy as ‘materialsman’ when looking at women, and they pretty much all looked good to me.

Then we took a wander back up to Covent Garden complex, and as we missed it last time around, and I had a great time last time I was there, it was straight in to Catz A-GoGo. I have heard excellent reports of late, and sure enough we were not disappointed, again a full house, but comfortable so, as the place is more compact than it’s neighbour, and the quality of the girls was spot on, my ‘old friend’ came over in the pursuit of a lady drink, but I ushered her away and requested two pretty young things to join us, within a minute two real beauties came sashaying over, one a sort of full on, drop dead gorgeous, sexy Thai version of ‘oops I did it again’ era Britney Spears resplendent on full schoolgirl attire complete with pigtails, under normal circumstances I would have grabbed her within a nanosecond, but being a gentlemen, and being my friends first visit, I passed her up and settled for the other one, when I say settled, I must add that she was also a beauty, with a more smoldering, dusky appeal to her, hard to choose really, now once again, why is it I love this place? Top marks for the management, the uniforms were more varied than my first visit, but a better than average number of beautiful girls.

Newbie Verdict: Wow, certainly was an uplifting experience if you get my drift! Definitely a place to come back to before I go home to miserable old Blighty

Note: I know for a fact that he did return on his penultimate evening, alone, couldn’t find Britney, honestly no surprise there, if she was looking as hot as she was the other night she would have been barfined within minutes of the place opening! However, he tells me he met an even better one, and he proceeded to become a ‘two week millionaire’ by tipping her while dancing, not once but twice, with a crisp 1000 baht note, to tumultuous applause from the entire bar, I shall have to have a serious word with him next time, making us all look cheap.

Well, to sum up, my friend had a ball, we took in Go-Go Bars, Beer Bars, Massage Parlours, Soi 6 and all, and overall he preferred to intimacy of Soi 6, not my style but ‘up to him’, and after a joint first trip there, the second week I pretty much left him to his own devices of a night time, he took up with a girl from the TG Bar in Soi 6, which I have to say was of a standard way above the rest of the bars in grope alley. Not sure who runs the place, (Dave: Terry & Mrs Terry), but hats off to them anyway, high standard of good looking girls, beautifully attired too. My friend was able to look beyond the noise and traffic pollution that Pattaya suffers from, describing it only as a ‘vibrant’ place, and he enjoyed it so much he is threatening to return in November, if so I shall have to have a serious word in his shell like about over tipping, as you know I am not averse to flashing a bit of cash around to honey’s that take my fancy, but two thousand baht!

For today’s musical interlude, I think of a song that pretty much sums up the relationship between ‘entertainment providers’ and ‘falangs’ in Pattaya, although I feel sure Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys was not thinking of here when he penned the words to Rent, unless he was thinking of Pattayaland 3 of course!

You dress me up, I’m your puppet
You buy me things, I love it
You bring me food, I need it
You give me love, I feed it

And look at the two of us in sympathy
With everything we see
I never want anything, it’s easy
You buy whatever I need

But look at my hopes, look at my dreams
The currency we’ve spent
I love you, oh, you pay my rent
I love you, oh, you pay my rent

You phone me in the evening on hearsay
And bought me tom yum plaa
You took me to a restaurant off Walking Street
To tell me who you are

We never-ever argue, we never calculate
The currency we’ve spent
I love you, oh, you pay my rent
I love you, you pay my rent
I love you, oh, you pay my rent

I’m your puppet
I love it

And look at the two of us in sympathy
And sometimes ecstasy
Words mean so little, and money less
When you’re lying next to me

But look at my hopes, look at my dreams
The currency we’ve spent
I love you, oh, you pay my rent
I love you, you pay my rent
I love you, you pay my rent

To close, for anyone interested about the fate of my sweet young thing, she has been reinstated in Pattaya after threatening to harm herself, I was able to see her the first time only chaperoned by her sister and husband, but she managed to get away alone, appropriately enough, a week later on Valentine’s Day, and since then we have been picking up the pieces, it’s a bumpy ride, and things may never be the same after the abduction saga, but I have faith in riding out the storm, I even met her mother last week, not in a confrontational sense, just an arranged ‘by chance’ meeting, wish me luck, but don’t tell the wife!

Until next time.

Materialsman

By Materialsman

It’s Friday night, and I am on a scouting mission before my ‘virgin’ friend arrives in just over two weeks time, I have just been into the TukCom IT Mall on South Pattaya Road so it seems churlish not to visit a few bars, strange place the IT Mall, I visit the one in Sri Racha regularly and it’s absolutely dripping with honey’s on every stall, yet the Pattaya branch seems almost entirely staffed by gays and katoeys, bizarre!

I am also reeling from Thursdays news, that in an example of those Asian ‘family values’ that the rest of the world supposedly admires, my beautiful, sweet young thing of a girlfriend has been abducted by her mother and taken up country to keep her away from me, where the evil witch intends to sell her into an arranged marriage with another falang! Phew, gutted, I am not taking the news well, and needed a few drinks to set me to sleep while I plan a course of action to right this unspeakable wrong.

Walking Street is still paved with gold(en) haired Russians which I admit does liven the place up for the committed ‘bird watcher’ like myself, although I have tasted nothing but dark meat for some seventeen years now.

First up is the recently opened Angelwitch in Soi 15, the last time I was in Nana Plaza in BKK, the Angelwitch there was for me the outstanding bar of the bunch, took a good looking ‘entertainment provider’ from there back to the Nana Hotel, so I was looking forward to seeing what the Pattaya branch had to offer. The place itself is nicely done out, if you like red anyway, lots of chrome and walkways which I feel sure play a part in the shows, a bit like stepping into a huge version of Dracula’s coffin, I was a little early so there were no shows for me to compare with what I saw in Nana, so the action was a little dull, plenty of dancers on show, some honey’s amongst them though. I have to say that the waitresses appear to have been dressed by the Taliban, must be the least sexy waitress outfits on Walking Street, I was also not keen to have a girl thrust next to me on the sofa within 15 seconds of sitting down and being pestered for lady drinks constantly whilst sipping on my 115 baht bottle of Heineken. It’s a matter of personal taste, but I like to settle in, take a look around, and select a companion by myself in my own time rather than being treated like a sex starved Russian sailor on shore leave who’s going to grab the first female that hovers into view, so I drank up and left, shame, hardly an auspicious fist visit, but I will return at ‘showtime’ one day to get a proper balanced view.
Toilet Tip: Too early, but they appeared to be upstairs, and they’re probably red!

Next it was a stroll down to the X-Zone as last time I was in the area the club wasn’t open, a bit of a struggle to get up the wooden stairs, and probably very tricky on the way down if you were a little ‘tired and emotional’ after a few jars. The place itself was smaller than I had imagined, and appears to be a sort of mish mash of all the elements of Pattaya Go-Go’s, there is a naked lady soaping herself and accepting offers of a closer manual inspection, there is a proper long stage, and overhead glass floor if you want to crick your neck looking up skirts, and individual podiums for dancing, altogether my impression was it’s trying too hard to be successful by trying to please everyone. A bit like the England football team, the sum of its parts are not greater then it’s individual components. It wasn’t very busy, and I got served by a male waiter, aaargh! However after I had settled in I noticed a few attractively dressed waitresses dotted around so my faith was restored. Heineken was a reasonable 80 baht a bottle, not too shabby at all, and in common with Angelwitch the electronic bill is easy to read, clearly and boldly stating the price, and it was much easier on the eye to read 80 instead of 115 baht! In my workplace we are constantly cajoled about safety, and I have to worry about the girls here, dancing on the shiny glass podiums wearing slippery ankle socks, and leaping onto the next one every song, surely only a mater of time before one either completely mistimes her salmon like leap of faith and comes a cropper, or just slides gracefully of the end of the next table like a penguin on ice!
Toilet Tip: Tasteful, black, ‘nough said.

Next, downstairs, and by the way, I was right about those stairs, into Club BishBosh, Borche, Boesche, pronounced Boo-shay as we now know. I have just had to go back and read what I wrote about the place in early December, because the place has gone through an unbelievable transformation, I thought I had careered into SuperBaby A Go-Go by mistake, the place was heaving, practically standing room only both upstairs and downstairs, where did all these people come from? I’ll tell you later dear readers.

Still some waitresses about wearing my own perverted favourite naughty schoolgirl look , but now most of the ‘hostesses’ are wearing the most beautiful figure hugging mini dresses, wow! See them to believe them. A couple or more kateoys dotted around, but not overly conspicuous, the girls on stage also were of a real good standard, gone are the red bikinis of December to be replaced by various ensembles of mini, mini skirts in lycra or denim. On this point I differ from our ‘webmeister’ who likes to see skimpy bikini’s and naked girls, I just love a little mystery, a little less naked flesh, more to discover, like unwrapping presents at Christmas, although it can sometimes backfire, I remember many years ago lusting after a pretty young thing in the Classroom, paying the short time fee, and when I got her upstairs and tore off the uniform, her stomach looked like it had been operated on by Doctor Hannibal Lechter! A real mess of ugly scars resulting in a case of instant loss of erection and lust. I just gave her some money and sent her back downstairs, just couldn’t do the dirty with her stomach like that, fussy bugger ain’t I!

Sorry, got sidetracked, back to Boo-shay, one of the lovely hostesses took a shine to me, and this time it was mutual, so she slid in beside and made me feel warm all over! Only been in Pattaya two days you say? What a coincidence, seems every girl has only been in Pattaya two days, just like me, hah! Over my head on the glass floor there was a full bloodied naked lesbian show going on writhing around pressing flesh against the floor, fairly horny stuff I have to say. I of course only had eyes for my lovely companion, so a couple or three tequila’s were in order for her, a couple more beers for me and I completely lost track of the bill, but who gives a hoot, I was in a busy club with a hot honey whispering sweet nothings in my ear, surrounded by good looking dancers and naked lesbians, Heaven indeed. If in the words of David Byrne and Talking Heads, heaven is a place nothing ever happens, he obviously has never been to Pattaya and Club Boesche!

Everyone is trying to get to the bar.
The name of the bar, the bar is called Boo-shay.
The band in heaven plays my favorite song.
They play it once again, they play it all night long.

Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.
Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.

There is a party, everyone is there.
Everyone will leave at exactly the same time.
Its hard to imagine that nothing at all
Could be so exciting, and so much fun.

Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens

Tremendous fun place at the moment, my heartiest congratulations to the management in transforming what was just an average place in December into the hottest joint around right now, catch it while it lasts. My lovely companion expressed a desire to escort me back to my place, or her place or just about any place we could find, but I was on a scouting mission and I wasn’t done yet (dedication to you guys) so in my finest News of the World persona, I made my excuses and left, though not before I had slipped her a couple of hundred baht for being such charming company and promised a return visit soonest!
Toilet Tip: I was having so much fun I completely forgot to go and look.

Next I had intended to look into Catz right next door, but my beautifully attired companion had escorted me right to the door and was tearfully waving me adios, so I thought that would be a bit tactless, so instead perambulated around to my now ex-favourite Coyotee’s A Go-Go. I have praised this place before for the beauty of it’s dancers and show girls, despite the fact that everyone of them totally ignores me, and tonight was no different. The place was fairly busy and remains a decent place with decent looking women, but the contrast with the place I had just left was stark, now I know where the customers came from. I had just the one Heineken, getting late into the evening now, so forgot to look at the bill, but it’s not extortionate. They seemed to be promoting a new large glossy Pattaya Nightlife publication, can’t remember the name, but it looked impressive with lot’s of colour pictures of semi naked go-go girls, if that’s your sort of thing, which of course it is otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this, I must get out and purchase a copy to inspect further in the ‘privacy of my own room’ if you get my drift!

Next I had intended to take a look at the Casino Club but in my disorientated state, completely lost it, can anyone help me out? So, having been to heaven earlier, decided to end the night at Heavens Above another favoured haunt of mine. My favourite girl as mentioned in an earlier report was busy chatting to a customer at the bar so I had to settle into a table near the door, but I was getting well looked after by several good looking waitresses. The place is still the same, a pretty high standard of charming womanhood on display, ‘de rigueur’ lesbian shows etc. but after a half hour of so the guy at the bar left, and my favourite honey came right over and introduced herself. “Now then young man” as Brian Clough was fond of saying, heed my advice, I have never spoken in length to this girl, but my ‘speculate to accumulate’ tipping policy seemed to have done the trick, this is why I seemingly at random hand over money to good looking women in bars and restaurants, particularly the serving girls, they never forget you and one day it might just make the difference. She was all ears, actually she is much better looking than that, and we talked for a while, and all the time I was feeding her tequila shots, as well as many an orange juice to the other girls, my bill was well over a thousand baht, but as I said earlier, money well spent when you are having a ball. Anyway she was becoming increasingly friendly and conducive to a little ‘horizontal tangoing’ back at my place, but I am not one to take advantage of a girl that has drunk too much, even when I have been the catalyst for that emotional state, too much experience in the past of girls in my place spending half an hour ‘driving the porcelain bus’ then collapsing into unconsciousness on the bed, leaving yours truly with a Viagra fuelled hard on that could bang six inch nails into the wall , and nowhere to put it! So, I tactfully requested and duly received her mobile phone number which is 01-XXXXXX ha! Don’t think I am going to reveal that to you lot, do you?

Anyway, time was late and I had to go and get some ZZZZZ’s so on reaching my crib, send her a nice SMS and I shall follow up on her, unless of course I can extricate my sweet girlfriend from her current predicament, in which case all bets are off!

Till next time gentle readers.

Materialsman peruses Pattayaland 2

Preamble For those unfamiliar with the layout of Pattaya or only recently afflicted with Pattaya Fever, Pattayaland 2 runs off the Beach Road at the south end, near to the start of Walking Street, through to Second Road, there are actually 3 Pattayalands, number one seems to be ‘gender confused’ as one notorious columnist respectfully calls it, and number 3 is a dog leg Soi that is also known as ‘Boystown’ and in my seventeen years of visiting and living in Pattaya I can proudly say I have never set foot in the Soi 3, not even out of curiosity! Pattayaland 1 does contain Spicy Girls A Go-Go, but I had no time to try it out on this trip, the last time I was in there, albeit several years ago, there was an Arab gentlemen, literally dripping in gold, that had the excusive attention of ten dancing girls while I was sat twiddling my thumbs, so I haven’t been back since.

Anyway, that’s off subject, back to my main drift, Pattayaland 2 was a sleepy Soi with a handful of beer bars only, until around 12 years ago , The Classroom opened it’s door(s) as a single unit shophouse A Go-Go, I know this as I was there at the opening night party! Then came Mistys in its original location, before Partyhead purchased and revamped the name, then around six years ago, maybe more, possibly eight, memory fades due to alcohol consumption, a consortium came in and bought up several properties in the Soi and turned the street into a virtual neon paradise of Go-Go Bars, taking away most of the business from Walking Street and perhaps almost certainly becoming the ‘face of Pattaya nightlife’ appearing in many a holiday snap and publication. Walking Street has since undergone a renaissance and has now reclaimed the crown, so maybe the time was right for a reappraisal to see how Pattayaland 2 was coping with the competition.

First up walking up the Soi from the beach on the right hand side is All Girls A Go-Go, the last time I walked down the street there were a couple of lycra clad honeys outside cajoling passers by, sadly noticeable by their absence last night, maybe I was just early, an eight thirty start with six bars to take in allowing thirty odd minutes in each and a reasonable stumbling home time. The seating has been revamped since my last visit, the individual tables having been replaced with two rows of raised bench seating with ALL GIRLS A GO GO spelt out repeatedly in black duct tape, a rather tacky touch in my opinion. Looking around, I could not fault their advertising, 100% All Girls indeed, did not spot any katoeys amongst the dozen or so dancers in the room, all decked out in white bikinis with a choice of either fishnet stockings or tights depending on the girls preference, as was the exposure of breasts. Bottled Heineken was 99 baht a bottle, nor bad in a Soi that has a reputation for overpriced drinks, none of the girls on view were exactly stunning, but mostly pleasant enough 7-8’s , not enough to hold me for more than one beer. One strange thing I noticed, the LED display touting other bars in the group was basically out of date, still touting Bubbles, Planet Rock, and Rodeo Girls?
Toilet Tip: Too early!

Just a little further up the Soi, you next come to Crystal A Go-Go, formerly Bubbles, at one time I considered Bubbles to be the jewel in the crown of Pattayaland 2, there was even the ultimate male fantasy of identical twins working there, both young, beautiful, with waist length hair and thirty nine kilos each wringing wet (reference Austin Powers list of 10 things to do before you die in ‘Goldmember’). I must admit to thinking I had been with both of them on multiple separate occasions in the glory days until my good friend pointed out one of the twins had a certain body blemish, quite noticeable apparently, so that in fact I has only been with the same one every time, doh! Actually Bubbles nearly cost me dear on one occasion when upstairs with one of the twins in their beautifully appointed short time rooms, black marble of course! I stepped naked out of the raised Jacuzzi bath onto the tiled floor and slipped backwards into the corner tiles, leaving a huge bruise across the cheeks of my arse, a couple of inches higher and it would have been the base of my spine, could have been very nasty indeed, try explaining to the wife that’s how you became paralysed! I actually had to go to the department store and buy a slip proof shower mat for my room at the time, claiming to the wife that the damage had been caused there in my room!

But, I digress; currently a bit grim in Crystal compared to the heady heights, no shower shows on offer, maybe again a dozen girls decked out in the same white bikinis as All Girls, albeit without the fishnet accessories, perhaps they move from one bar to another? Once again I didn’t spot any stunners, 7-8’s only, only sailors on shore leave would be salivating, but the waitress was certainly cute enough, very smiley and deserving of my first 100 baht tip of the night, just for being pleasant, also the mamasan was a looker. Again, I recall, the bottle of Heineken being an okay 100 baht. I had a couple of girls try to hit on me for lady drinks, but as is my modus operandi, I speak to them in Thai, letting them know I am married and not interested (at least not in them) and they normally scuttle off fairly rapidly. I also noticed that their LED display was also out of date like All Girls, surely it can’t be that hard to reprogram the damn things with the correct names!
Toilet Tip: Again too early but previously the toilets were up several flights of stairs, hard work if you have a weak bladder like me, so I moved on.

At this point, the next visitation would be Kitten Club on the left hand side, but having only 1000 baht notes left in my wallet, and being fearful of several ‘gouging’ reports, I decided first to go to Misty’s A Go-Go. Where the staff know me better, and I felt sure my change would be correct and could hit Kittens with the correct money for the beer. So, Misty’s it was, Rodeo Girls would have been next but that appears to have turned gay and is now Rodeo Boys, not my scene ducky! I actually remember when it first opened up as a burger bar, I believe this was in order to get a license for alcohol, then it became A Go-Go, actually pulled one of the waitresses out of there for a short time, I think she must have been impressed with the amount of chili con carne I could consume! Right, Misty’s, always liked the bar, the people that run it are professional in their outlook and there is always a good atmosphere about the place. On this night the bar was around 35% full, I saw around twenty girls in all, slightly better standard than the previous two bars, but no 9-10’s on view at that time. The greeters outside were cute and pretty though. There seemed to be a little bit of confusion about stage wear for the girls, there was about four different styles on show, come on Partyhead, pull out and dust off those Misty’s ‘special schoolgirl outfits’ from the closet, personal preference of course! Beer was around 110 baht I think, and I got the correct change from my friendly waitress.

One thing confused me, on stage there was a bucket that stated ‘PING PONG 4 FOR 100 BAHT’ Hmm, interesting, I haven’t played ping pong for years and I thought it would make an interesting sporting diversion to the evening’s entertainment, never thought of Partyhead as a Patron of the Paddles, but what the hell, looking around I couldn’t actually see a table set up for playing, but no matter, I conjectured as to who my playing partner may be, one of the girls, the manager perhaps? In my mind I looked forward to discussing the finer points of whether a standard pimpled paddle was better, or if a sponge and reverse rubber set up gave better control of the top spin serve, so I paid my 100 baht, and to my surprise I was handed four ping pong balls only, and no paddles! Seems a strange item to sell in a Go-Go bar, and I am sure I could get them cheaper in Tesco Lotus, but who am I to question the managements wisdom, several girls however seemed keen to wrestle them out of my pocket, must be ping pong enthusiasts too, who’d have thought it?
Toilet Tip: Again I didn’t try, as there were more stairs to climb, I can’t believe it, three bars and no toilet stop yet, I am going through these bars like a hot knife through butter, or perhaps more appropriately, like a plate of som tam through your digestive system.

So, it was time for Kitten Club, I approached with some trepidation having heard nothing but bad stories recently about the place, bill padding, ladyboys running amok etc. but this club has always been an anomaly, right from it’s early incarnation as Cats, appealing to a certain style of punter not adverse to ‘sniffing the boots of shiny, shiny leather’ as Lou Reed once sang, I was never really into that scene, but eighteen months ago I had a splendid night there when I bar fined two of the youngest, prettiest ‘greeters’ from outside, (800 baht each) and took them home for short time (1500 baht each, though negotiated down to 1000 baht each) I know it was an expensive indulgence, but what the hell, if you have a ball, you have paid the right price, right? Again, the girls outside looked so sweet in their white mini skirt and boots ensemble, and once inside I was not immediately devoured by the katoeys as expected, instead of the twenty five or so dancers I saw, only a handful were of the ‘third category’ and most of the girls were dancing quite shyly, especially when the air blasts were employed. Once again the girls were a pleasant 7-8’s only, far and away the most attractive ‘lady’ in the place was obviously a katoey, but a knockout body nonetheless. Doesn’t interest me sexually, although I don’t object to looking, but if that’s what rocks your boat, by all means give the place a try, but the stories of the pricing are correct, a wallet wrenching 130 baht for a small Heineken, is frankly just completely over the top for what’s on view, I was however prepared for this (forward planning!) and handed over a 100 and a 50 baht note, and took one of the two returned 10 baht coins, taxi money, I’m not cheap!
Toilet Tip: At last, time to release the pressure, comfortable, tasteful décor plenty of extras available for your personal hygiene, but be warned, there are a couple of ponces in there offering shoulder rubs, cold towels etc. I declined their offer, but chucked a 10 baht coin into their dish to get them off my back, not literally you understand!

Next off to the Classroom, the ‘Fun’ A Go-Go. Well, what can you say about the place, it’s practically a Pattaya institution now, like the even longer running Tahitian Queen, I have spent many a happy Sunday afternoon and evening in the place, that was always the circuit on a Sunday afternoon when I was younger, in the TQ1 for happy hour as soon as it opened, drink away most of the afternoon, then a call into the old Las Vegas in Soi Post Office, maybe a diversion into Bobby Joe’s place, and finally into the Classroom to drink away what was left of the day and early evening. So many good memories, the three sisters that all worked there, my friend bedded all three together one evening, I tried to repeat the trick later on, but one of the sisters was sick that day so I had to take a substitute to make up the numbers! Another girl there who was the closest thing I have ever had to a ‘mia noi’ who I carried on with for several year until I was caught in my apartment with her, dropped in it by the guy in reception who rang my wife, charming! Another girl later on who was possibly the sweetest of all the three sisters, who I would see every weekend for a good while, after she had finished her dancing days and become a waitress/greeter, never let me down, all I would do would give her my hotel room number, and without fail she would turn up around 1 a.m. I would never divulge any names, who knows, one of you guys could be married to them!

Nowadays, the Classroom is a hugely successful place, always well attended, and most of the waitresses are ex-dancers so there is almost a family atmosphere if you know what I mean, not literally families, but a sort homely familiarity about the place, and the first place of the night that I felt comfortable enough to have a second and even third beer in. The girls on stage were wearing nice blue and white uniforms, a little bit more like the ‘classic’ Classroom look, never really took to the tartan style, but talking to the waitress, she said they have three different uniforms on a rotation, so perhaps I just got the lucky day. As I reflect this morning and think of all the places I went to last night, far and away the best two places were the Classroom and Misty’s ,and my conclusion is the reason for this is both are well run, and properly ‘managed’ in so much is that there is always a manager in the club that actually seems to care about his customers and mingles, making sure everyone is happy and looked after, both have successful web sites and encourage return visits, both building up a regular, loyal clientele base where there’s always somebody in town that will come and party. Beer appeared to be 100 baht a bottle, bought a lady drink for a waitress, straight tequila shot, tipped another waitress 100 baht. If you are familiar with the bar and its staff, the ‘tom’ mamasan is currently sporting on her head what looks like Gary Glitters old wig with a yellow ‘skunk’ line running through it, hilarious to look at and worth the price of a beer just to gawk in amazement. Also noticed that seem to be synchronizing both music and video entertainment.
Toilet Tip: Small but nicely appointed, seems to have been tastefully redecorated fairly recently, and a second ‘throne room’ opened.

Onwards to the last bar in the street, I am not counting A-Bomb, Jupiter A Go-Go, formerly Planet Rock, not a bar I have had a lot of time for, although I did have a strange short time experience there once with a new girl that the mamasan wanted me to try, when we got to the room, it was plainly obvious she had no idea why she was supposed to be there with me, after an hour or so of gentle persuasion I gave up and accepted ‘just’ a bath and a message, albeit an expensive one, hey, I’m not an evil person who would force himself on an unwilling girl!

Have heard that they have Latin nights on a Friday, but this was a Monday and consequently fairly quiet, only a dozen or so girls, those same white bikinis as All Girls and Crystal, can’t remember if the LED display said the same, probably did, some fairly pretty girls, beer was a round 100 baht per bottle. For the women overall, a constant was that there was not one 9-10 on view anywhere on the night, no one lady I would want to spend the rest of my life with, not even one I would want to spend the night with, or worse even one hour with, unless I was on shore leave, when even the katoey’s in Kittens would have looked good, incidentally what would you call a gathering of katoeys? A flock? A gaggle? A confusion? A giggle of katoeys, perhaps?
Toilet Tip: Black marble,’nuff said! Didn’t see the dreaded ‘towel boy’ maybe he was on a break or even better, quit.

To sum up my thoughts of the ladies currently on view in Pattayaland 2 I shall paraphrase the following words of Tom Waits in Downtown Train:

I climb through the window and down to the street
And I'm shining like a new dime
The streets are full with all of those go-go girls
They try so hard to break out of their little worlds
Well you wave your hand and they scatter like crows
They have nothing that will ever capture your heart
They're just thorns without the rose
Be careful of them in the dark

Sadly my overall impression of Pattayaland 2 is of a Soi in serious decline compared to Walking Street, with the exception of Misty’s and the Classroom, and in the case of Jupiter’s especially, that’s a real shame, as looking around it is a beautifully appointed club, and with a little more TLC than it gets right now, has the potential to be great again.

My plan was then to load up on calories at Big Al’s Mexican Cantina situated behind Jupiter, followed the artfully graffiti style walls, dreaming of chicken stuffed tortillas and the ‘smell of fajita’s rising up through the air’, but I came down to earth with a bump when I hit the counter. “No have Mexican mister, he move, have only Thai food now”, doh!. My first thought was how pissed off the guy that spent days spraying the walls must be now all his effort is wasted, my second thought was. where can a poor boy with a belly full of beer, get some takeaway munchies? So, I wandered up to the Chow Soy on the corner of Soi Boukhao and Soi Chaiyapun (Soi Chockofpom) which promises English style Chinese food if that is not a misnomer! And true to their word, I took away Beef Chow Mein, Pancake Rolls and Chips, had a beer in there while waiting, one gorgeous cute waitress in there, another 100 baht tip hits its mark, you may ask ‘why does he tip so generously and so randomly? The answer is of course “because I can!” Reasonably priced food by the way, and on eating at home, if not exactly like my local Chinese takeaway back in Bournemouth, pretty damn close, highly recommended if you are missing that special flavour that only a British takeaway Chinese gives you.

So that was my latest soiree, next month I have a newbie, a real Thailand and Pattaya virgin coming over, I shall try and do a report on his first night out with his added comments.