Men Suck at Eating
The Lesbian-Approved Guide to Eating Pussy
Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it, but because it is
really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Eating good pussy is the key to
just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so
it’s time we broke it down. Like this.
The secret to eating good pussy is to read the signs. You could be the best
sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road
signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial
wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of
confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “Although I am about to rock
your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, here’s a little treat session
to show you how I really feel.” Instead of a screamed “OH MY GOD!!” like her
baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do),
cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of
like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good
mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of
Saturdays or a “Calgon, take me away” ad.
Break it down!
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be
done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry
heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be
Don’t Say High to Dry
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back
to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip your
finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia
and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey
dripping. Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing
strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so
make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can
share like a 1950’s milkshake with two straws.
Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all
the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the
tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a woman’s pleasure is about
yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
Submarine Mission for You, Baby
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there
and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and
get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on a vacation. Though
it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like
the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot
down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten
seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start by
kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get
carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should
have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about
the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a
sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the muff in a slow,
shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then
skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times
will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long
run. When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that
weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might
start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt. By now she should be
dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning
and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until
she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
Extra Trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first
lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second
thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker
smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.
Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more
explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
Parting the Red Seas
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity
Creeps are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all
the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick
is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you
like a great big buffet.
The Grand Entrance
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows
you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up
her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur.
Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really
slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what
kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive, she’ll probably convulse as
you pass over it and that means you’re in for an easy ride. If there’s no
reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those
nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of
Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If
you’re getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit.
Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and
show the little bastard who’s boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what
makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you
find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden
you’re giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a
tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area, he’s the only
one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call
for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all
your attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a
hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of
whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra-important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your
entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the
boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body
and his boat.
Identifying the Clit Type
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are
essentially two types of clitori; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and
ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you
should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that
doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft
at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the
end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do
the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and
“Oh my God” means bring it on.
Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is
the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him
from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s
on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your
mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s
not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea of what
you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyways. After a few teasers and
swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed
bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the
interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great
way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up
with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the
suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most
effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few
side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be
repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time
to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that
goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya,
hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or
at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t
over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s
multiorgasmic, you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine
another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving
her shit until the magic hands come down.
Clits That Don’t
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the
boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St.
Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try
going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random
is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your
tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be
problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be
in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going
for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so
sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.
Once you’re done (totally finished), she’s going to want you out of there
pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out
your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you
don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it
sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and
wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom
on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the
cockpit of an F-15.
EXTRA BONUS TRACKS
If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you’ve
just been sacked. She’ll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the
truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good rogering and look
at the whole thing as a learning experience. Later you can ask what the
problem was so you can get it right the next time. If you’re really lame,
you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of
turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.
The Power Lunch
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck
munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused,
but it’s a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit
and it reminds her neglected clitoris that he’s a somebody. If after a few
seconds she still isn’t into it, you can save face by pretending you just
couldn’t resist. Give it up and get back to the boff.
Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep
your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the
Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want
something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind
you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end.
Incidentally, if you’re trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing,
try eking it in during orgasm. If it doesn’t wreck everything you could have
a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.
Hole: We’re not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section
because if you’re into that, you’re way too advanced for this seminar and
should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.
Cheeks: Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred
thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a
slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.
The Double Whammy
Though some idiots (like me) say it takes away from when you actually put in
the dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind.
Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.
Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of abandoned mange-ing, but there
are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate
object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as it can go
and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the cunt
using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on
the clit while you give your tongue a rest.