OK, it's time for little game we play here on the highways and by-ways of Thailand.

It's called find the traffic light....


They just opened a new roadway that intersects the main road that we live on.
Find the traffic light that controls that intersection.

I was enjoying a beer in a gogo and I spotted a girl with a bandaged knee and foot. I asked my drinking companion whether this was down to the inevitable motorbike accident.

My girl replied: yes...and pointing to her own knee she said: just like this one.

Why don't Thai motorcyclists wear knee pads I wonder...Looking at the girls knees in the gogos the chance of injury seem awfully high.

If I see a girl without a scar, I immediately assume that she simply doesn't own a bike.

Girly Berry Making a point of not wearing spaghetti strap tops

Wearing skimpy outfits at a Songkran event may lead to the popular girl band Girly Berry being stripped of their role as the respectable young face of the Culture Ministry.

Culture Minister Anusorn Wongwan expressed disappointment with the teenage girl band yesterday and threatened to ''blacklist'' them.

The band, known for their revealing stage outfits and audacious dancing, were chosen to front the ministry's campaign for girls to dress modestly during the Songkran festival.

They were paraded in traditional Thai costumes and posed for photographs as the campaign became the talk of the town with mixed reactions.

But on Songkran day they again turned out in revealing tops and hot pants while performing amid the water-splashing chaos on Khao San road.

Anusorn said he had instructed ministry officials to find out why the entertainers chose such inappropriate outfits. The ministry would have to be more cautious with its choices next year, he added.

Anusorn said the band's agent, RS Promotion, had initially contacted the ministry, suggesting the girls be presenters for the cover-up-for-Songkran campaign.

The ministry considers tank tops and miniskirts too sexually arousing when soaked in water: 'The campaign had its time [only during the Songkran festival], said spokeswoman Nusra Kongsujarit. The band had offered their services free to the ministry and the girls had to live a normal life.

This was about April, 1994 before terrorism overtook the serene, happy Songkran celebrations ...

At a friend's restaurant we were greeted gently with water poured over our hands and lightly dabbed on our cheeks with talc/water.

I got a free plate of stir-fried chicken feet to go with my beer Singha.

The table was littered with bottles. It was a nice party but I wondered how to get rid of the feet without offending anyone.

I slipped them shank down into a bottle on the table (they won't go in claws downwards).

After a few minutes I was horrified to see the complimentary 3/4 full wine bottle used to fill up everyone's wine glasses, - complete with 1 chicken foot per glass. No-one said anything contrary, but I noticed a few chicken's feet going over the wall and/or into empty (?) wine bottles.

The Public Health Ministry have appointed Wan Yoobamrung "Mr Happy Toilet" to promote a campaign for clean public toilets.

I dreamt when I was a child that if I ever worked here at the Public Health Ministry I would make all the toilets in the country flush toilets, Wan says.

In a later interview Wan's father 'Khun Somchai Yoobamrung' was quoted as saying, I have great pride in my son to have achieved this high office in the Public Health Ministry, he really has studied hard since he was a small boy to understand all aspects of environmental health and the production of western style flushing toilets. Even when he was 5 years old he would explore the family factories where we make several designs of flushing toilets.

This was about 1984 ....

You know Best Supermarket at the Dolphin Roundabout? Well, it wasn't there. On the opposite side of North Road was a huge green field.

There were about 15 ponies, a tin shack and a guy you could rent pony rides from @ 30 Baht per hour per pony.

I paid Sri's 50 Baht bar fine and rented 2 ponies for one hour. As she had never sat on anything but a bar stool before, I told her to squeeze her legs together and hold firmly on the pony's mane. I took her pony's reins and we walked, trotted and finally cantered a little.

The outing was a big mistake on my part as she was totally knackered for two weeks of our holiday - willy nilly, as they say.

I vowed never to get saddled with a Thai lady again.

Women who perform the act of fellatio on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40%, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act, said Dr. B.J. Sooner of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurrence of breast cancer in women.

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

Only with regular performance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine, said Dr. Inserta Shafteer, one of the researchers at the University. Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances.

The study is reported in the Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases, Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages, he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers.

The research consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not. The group of women who had performed fellatio had a breast cancer rate of 1.9% and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4%

The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio, Shafteer said: It's a cause, not THE cause.

Spotted in the Immigration One Stop Shop

Perhaps it should read: Please dress in a formal manner and don't forget the whitening cream.

Presumably the bias in favour of light skins is down to the fact that rich people can avoid working in the sun whilst labourers can't.

Thanks to Barry:

I had to pay a visit to immigration last week. For the benefit of Thai-Anxiety readers I would mention that the sign-writer shop at the corner of Pratumnak & Thappraya charges only 60 Baht for painting a green Nike logo across your shirt and tie.